About Staying Negative

Staying Negative aims to emotionally engage, inspire and facilitate imagination in sexual health practices. The campaign profiles the real life stories of gay, bisexual and trans men who have sex with men (MSM). Men talk about all aspects of their life from coming out, relationships, sexuality and a broad range of other topics. While HIV and safe sex is an important part of all stories, it is not the exclusive focus.

Prior HIV prevention campaigns have traditionally focused on providing gay men with information that will encourage them to adopt safe sex behaviours. In reality, safe sex practices are influenced by a whole range of environmental and cultural factors. The campaign also provides an opportunity for HIV positive men to talk about their lives and discuss how their strategies to staying HIV negative were not successful. We understand that there is more than one way practice safe sex and adopt healthcare seeking behaviours, so let's be creative about it!

There are no real criteria for participants other than that they are MSM and happy to have their stories appear as part of the campaign. In addition to the personal stories, the website provides information on HIV/AIDS, sexual health, relationships and broad of the other relevant topics including domestic violence, drugs and alcohol and depression.

Staying Negative

Show menu

Filter by issue

Stories: All Issues

Antek

I was horribly bullied in the first two years of high school – we had to get the police involved.

Stephen C

I created a diva rock star persona that would shell my insecurities

Louis

I groomed myself to sit and talk a certain way. I repressed the flamboyant sides of my personality.

David R-S

David retired as Minister of the Church to protect his family & congregation from gossip & scandal.

Jay

They'd touch me, it made me feel... my body wasn't my own.

David

I didn't want to give him my first time. Afterwards he says, "let's forget that ever happened"

Jeff

It could remove stress, stigma & pain for the entire community - it's not just an HIV prevention tool

Darren V

I think he knew, even when we fucked. Why else would he insist, twice, that I had the test?

Ben J

I'd been using meth & having bareback sex all the time. I must be positive too, but I felt nothing.

Zen

I asked God for death because I’d rather that than face what I had to.

Daniel C

“Oh thank God that’s it! I thought you were gonna say you have cancer or something!”

John Pendal

For me to get hard, somebody needs to be feeling fear or pain

Adam A

What kind of dynamics are going on in our world that makes meth so popular?

Pan

Intimacy & connection I thought I had whilst under the influence, was simply not the case after.

Ned

The truth is, I was using every day and I couldn’t stop.

Theo P

Feeling so rejected, unsupported & unloved by anyone led me to use meth even more

Zac

I'm somebody who doesn’t use drugs, I’m aware that I’m the oddball.

Brandon

Crippling anxiety disorder and a very frail frame - I cannot be taking this drug!

Mike O

My internalised homophobia caused me to separate sex from romance.

Michael

I treat Dolly with respect - I want her to be taken seriously.

Nathan

Unfortunately, within those two months I had shared a needle.

Max

HIV is just a part of me; it’s not all of me and never will be.

Anthony L

I saw my dad beating my mum - most traumatic experience I’ve ever had

Craig

There are so many amazing facets to who I am, my status isn't one that I’m defined by

Brian E

There were huge periods I suffered from self-loathing

Ben

always had a weight issue, even had an eating disorder...

Jack

When I was young I was really overweight and I got bulled for being fat

Jesse

I wondered if I’d completely ruined my life by getting into porn

Dirk Caber

I simply am not made for such things as love or sex.

Steven Spencer

End HIV transmission by 2020? PrEP is a very important part of that.

Alvin

I believe I'm the only Asian deaf gay guy in Melbourne.

Kai

When I was 17, I decided to transition into a male

James W

I used to get smashed into the lockers every day and get beaten up on the bus

Rick

I started shaking, I was so nervous about whether I was going to do it right.

Andrew

This is where I'm going to prove that I'm straight.

Ash

...worried I'd get stabbed in that school.

Shane

I ended up contracting HIV from going to a sauna.

Josh

I found comfort in Mormonism.

Buck

I call myself the man with a pussy

Rawiri

I attempted suicide three times in that period.

Nicholas

I couldn't handle diabetes and HIV!

Aaron

I was discharged from the military

Gareth

I think coming out is an anti-climax

Rithy

I didn't fit in, a part-Asian thing?

Angel

My father hit me if I acted queeny

Darren

My world had turned upside down

Matt

I wanted to be that bad boy

Michael

the worse I felt, the more I drank

Jim

I could have avoided HIV

Glenn

Could I be HIV positive and happy?

Wayne

sleep with a guy and be a husband

Lawrence

she took my kids away from me

Sam

It all sort of went pear- shaped

Rodney

a criminal because I'm with a man

Benjamin

Chinese gays will just marry someone

Raymond

I love Bear culture

Andrew N

having sex together at 10 years old

Neil

liked being castigated more than the sex

Seth

walk the halls hearing 'fag' 50 times

Keegan

I became this uber gay twinkie guy

Scott

Had a crush on the milk driver

Malcom

It’s all Ken and Barbie’s fault

Francois

People think that I’m a robot

Peter

He did the big reveal on stage

Josh

I was going in and out of the closet

Jeremy

I was always treated differently

Tom

I didn’t even pick up at The Peel!

Damien

Wait til there's a cock up your arse

Christopher

I felt numb and then I couldn't move

Gregory

please don't make me gay

Nigel

gays were shouting at us bisexuals

Tono

I think I'm not a good Muslim

Colin

If I’m fucking I put a condom on

Scott

I figured muscles attract muscles

Joe

Tried to distract from being gay

Simon

He'd erupt into violence and attack me

Tyson

sex can be a positive thing in life

Mark

I only did headjobs and handjobs

Michael

My wife read my journal about him

Leo

HIV in the 80s stopped us

Francesco

Clients who specifically wanted me

Michael

No problem being Jewish & gay

Daniel

If you do this after 16, you're a fag

Andrew

I tried to tell them I have sex with men

Mark

Didn’t bother me they were HIV positive

Adam

I’ll go to church and ask forgiveness

Glenn

I went into denial and didn't test for 6 years

Ethan

I always liked to play with boys

Peter G

Sometimes I'd use male prostitutes

Greg

I’ve got cerebral palsy, I'm not asexual

Doug

people I knew were dying of AIDS

Chris

perverse satisfaction when I found out

Andrew

to him it was just sex

Travis

Fuck first, ask questions later

Anthony

Mum sent me to gay conversion school

Phillip

I didn't accept myself

Mike

Take me or leave me, so what?

James D

there were bisexual signs as a teenager

Brad

I had to pee all the time due to anxiety

Robert

i was bisexual as a teenager

Peter C

Paid sex is for work, not pleasure

Indi

Gay sex is illegal in Sri Lanka

Dean

My god, don’t we have enough sex?!

Paul

My first time, I was in heaven

Carl

you end up doing laps for scraps

Adam

Told them I was gay in hospital

Koky

I was quite impressionable

Clinton

seeing him get fisted was a turnoff

Brent

The first time was traumatic, I vomitted!

Bryan

I'm from a small aboriginal community

Joe

I was addicted to beats

Antek

I was horribly bullied in the first two years of high school – we had to get the police involved.

John Pendal

For me to get hard, somebody needs to be feeling fear or pain

Angel

I had my first bf at 12, he was 32.

Andrew

I just attracted these people

Peter C

he got me into nightclubs

David

I got told in my high school sex-ed class that the anus is an exit point only.

Ethan

It put me off anal sex for a while

Mike

a cock is a cock

Paul

I let this guy fuck me

Louis

I felt drunk all the time – foggy, not present, permanent butterflies in my stomach.

Brandon

I ended up developing a crippling health anxiety

Joe

I wanted to distract from being gay

Brad

I had to pee all the time due to anxiety

Antek

I was horribly bullied in the first two years of high school – we had to get the police involved.

Louis

“No, that’s the girls’ colour.”

David R-S

I was bullied a lot for being different - I was a sensitive child who was very musical and hopeless at sport.

Jay

I think, in retrospect, all the bullying made me feel I wasn’t significant.

Daniel C

The bullying throughout school definitely affected me for a long time after I left home.

Brandon

Spent my 13th birthday in the nurse’s office after being beaten up

Nathan

The playground of life is harder when people throw food at you everyday

Max

I got bullied quite badly and endured a few really bad bashings.

Steven Spencer

as soon as you take away the power of bullies, they have no ammunition

Alvin

I still didn’t have many good friends and wasn’t part of any group.

James W

I was targeted at me because I was effeminate

Ash

“we can’t guarantee your son’s safety in this school because we can’t watch him twenty-four-seven.”

Angel

I hid my sexuality, but I picked on others

Matt

‘pusti’ means fruit in Greek

Jim

bleeding and almost unconscious

Damien

being called a fat, ugly faggot

Angel

... I started my sexual activity at 4

Andrew N

molested by her stepfather

Neil

When I was 15 I was raped

Mark

sexuall abused from 8 til 13

Michael

it was a family secret

Andrew

Peter C

I was raped when I was 16

Paul

everything else was violated

Mike O

I was worried about my father’s reaction to it

Michael

you’ve chosen a really difficult life for yourself.

Steven Spencer

like someone is telling a secret about you and you don’t want anyone to know

Alvin

I told my mum about it too - I love her and don’t want to lose her love.

Rick

I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of losing my friends

Andrew

I couldn’t risk having them find out and cutting me off

Nicholas

I told my mother first and she had tears in her eyes.

Angel

I just confessed, “Okay, I’m gay.

Matt

I came out by dropping a note

Michael

I'd lived all a secret

Malcom

I’m not responsible for your feelings but I am responsible for being honest

Peter

relax and do it at your pace

Josh

my stepfather was ready to hit me

Damien

Wait til there's a cock up your arse

Christopher

He pretended he didn’t know me.

Nigel

it turns out she knew anyway

Colin

they started mourning!

Joe

they weren’t there any more

Simon

She said I’d be a music-hall joke

Michael

i was so euphoric i felt high

Ethan

He told me to see a psychiatrist to see if I can be fixed

Anthony

Mum sent me to gay conversion school

Phillip

I started sobbing

Brad

they didn't come out as

Indi

I'm not going back to Sri Lanka

Dean

I was still the same person

Carl

He gave me a big hug

David R-S

It’s just a passing phase, you’ll grow out of it

Max

I’m really worried about dad rejecting me.

Anthony L

I was about 27 when I gradually began to tell people.

Ned

Engaging with people who had gone through what I had was so important...

Theo P

I feared meth group therapy, but I know now the compassion is what breaks the negative cycle.

Brian E

I would never advocate going through it alone. No man is an island.

Buck

just listening to me and not judging

Joe

i ended up as a group counsellor

Andrew

We've had counselling for bisexuality

Phillip

this counselling just isn't working

Brian E

I was very depressed and felt a need for companionship.

Buck

I hit rock bottom

Michael

How many people care?

Malcom

It’s hard trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

Peter

couldn't get out of bed for days

Andrew

I was extremely depressed

Zen

I thought to myself, ‘if you want to continue being gay, you need to become a really good liar if you want to survive.’

Craig

people know I’m positive then I will but I never just throw it out there.

Shane

It was like a magnifying glass on my emotions, dealing with the fear and rejection.

Aaron

So I outed myself and within a week I was discharged from the military.

Darren

.. things can become very awkward

Jim

I knew that he had it and that he’d given it to me but I knew he’d never had a test.

Glenn

I discovered that being HIV positive is a deportable offence.

Adam A

I found it fantastically extraordinary, yet at the same time, its potency and its pull on me raised concerns.

Pan

A year and a half into our relationship, we came to the realisation that we hadn’t had any sex without drugs.

Ned

My drug use was at the point where it was becoming really dangerous.

Theo P

Feeling so rejected, unsupported, and unloved by anyone led me to use meth even more.

Zac

When he wasn’t using those drugs, he could not perform.

Brandon

Unfortunately, I did do it again. I did it again and again and again.

Ash

... part of a hyper-masculinity thing as well as smoking, drinking and taking drugs.

Shane

I realise now that a lot of crystal meth involved.

Josh

I had tried to clean up my act ...

Buck

so drunk and stoned I had to lie down

Aaron

... the ecstasy actually allowed me to talk about things.

Michael

I was so angry i screamed at him

Scott

regular threesomes or foursomes

Mark

drinking was holding my life back

Doug

I very nearly became an alcoholic

Mike

I started experimenting with drugs

Peter C

I got a cocaine habit at 16

Dean

drug-fucked stupid decisions

Joe

I got completely out of it every night

Jeff

She would use coat hangers, break broom handles on me, and cornered me down hallways with no exit and beat me.

Anthony L

I saw my dad beating my mum and it was the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had

Angel

My father used to hit me when I used to act very queeny.

Jim

There was violence at home

Tyson

I left home because my Dad hit me

Adam

I’ll go to church and ask forgiveness

David

The first time I had sex was with, again, a guy who was supposedly ‘straight.’

Nicholas

During my first sexual encounter, I had no

Michael

.. he followed me into my bedroom

Wayne

what am i doing, this can't be right

Sam

it was really awkward

Keegan

“I’ve got some shampoo”

Daniel

That was my first sexual experience

Paul

My first time, I was in heaven

Jack

I was naively terrified when I got my first test.

Dirk Caber

there’d never been a condom between the two of us

James W

She said I most likely have an STI.

Ash

... the scare gave me a wake-up call.

Nicholas

I don't know that I would be able to deal with having type 1 diabetes as well as HIV

Darren

I assumed that l'd be fine now

Colin

I just keep putting it off

Daniel

He wanted me to experience it

Ethan

I get tested every six months or whenever I feel there's a need for it

Travis

deal with it if you have it

Dean

a regular test takes the fear away

Jeff

She had the mentality that you should teach people not to be gay, like you teach people not to steal.

Angel

I have a very homophobic brother, we don't talk.

Darren

Catholic boys' was very homophobic

Jim

I was pretty homophobic

Wayne

campaigning him to leave town

Rodney

Tasmania had a homophobic crisis

Raymond

it was a homophobic boys’ school

Daniel

I made some big mistakes

Bryan

homophobia was rife and isolating

Ben J

I started blasting when I was hooking up.

Pan

For them to hear from my partner, someone they barely knew, that I was injecting crystal meth into my arms– it hit them pretty hard.

Theo P

Smoking it was a little bit of a rush but nowhere near as good as injecting it.

David R-S

felt insecure and nervous about being seen by the heterosexual world as being in a gay relationship.

Darren V

You grow up thinking there’s something wrong with you -

Adam A

I had lived with HIV for a long time and I had periods of isolation in my life as well as feelings that I was not available.

Nathan

In my darkest hours when I considered suicide, I was so alone and isolated.

Brian E

it felt like everything and everyone had abandoned me

Gareth

I was the only white guy in class.

Matt

I shut the rest of the world out

Keegan

I felt like I was the only one

Francois

I think I was afraid of myself

Jeremy

No one accepted me as I was

Francesco

Why does it have to be me?

Adam

I became his full time carer

Adam

I had no one to talk to about it

Darren V

I was not a capable enough human being then to have a conversation w the person that infected me. I didn't know how.

Ben J

When the test came back positive, I didn’t feel anything. I simply thought, “This is what you deserve.”

Daniel C

I had a negative idea that positive people were all sick.

Adam A

I had forgotten to check what HIV medication I was on and what interactions they might have.

Theo P

I was just an unlucky one where HIV meds triggered severe depression.

Nathan

I was diagnosed with HIV yesterday, I need to start treatment.

Max

I have pneumonia, an AIDS-defining illness. I am probably going to die

Craig

I did everything right. I always made sure to be safe, why do I have to deal with this?

Dirk Caber

The positive result was devastating for him

Shane

...dealing with the fear and rejection of being HIV positive.

Aaron

When I actually converted, my viral load was close to a million, and my CD4 was 678

Darren

Before I knew it he’d sat me down and said, “You’re HIV positive.”

Jim

I was paralysed with fear

Glenn

I’d get hospitalised and deported

Neil

I was HIV+ and my wife didn't know

Glenn

In 1986 AIDS was expected

Brent

I think about the possibility that I could have infected him and I just hang my head in shame...

David R-S

David’s main commitments were to his wife and children – I was happy to take a back seat.

Jeff

I was a husband only as long as I lived the way she wanted and did what she wanted.

Wayne

I felt guilty about my wife

Lawrence

I fell in love with her

Peter G

I always felt enormous guilt

James D

I started looking for blokes

Robert

married & having lots of sex with men

Ben J

I knew I was using meth as a tool for validation with my peers, rather than for pleasure.

Pan

It’s an unusual situation to be in when you’re in a relationship and both people are quintessentially addicts.

Angel

We got tested together (twice).

Peter

absolutely with a condom on

Scott

we’re the only two involved

Adam

I could negotiate with my partner

Matt

social outings were beneficial

Mark

I was facilitating peer groups

John Pendal

We had a set of rules that helped govern our open relationship.

Pan

When I was 19, I was in a serodiscordant relationship where he was positive and I was negative.

Zac

he had cheated on me and I found it really difficult.

Mike O

I rather have an open relationship and am honest about it

Max

That was the biggest wake-up call, being treated this abominable way.

Ben

...relationships I know that are open, tend to last the longest.

Jesse

f either Dirk or I want to have a bit of fun, that’s fine; it doesn’t threaten our relationship

Andrew

This is where I'm going to prove that I'm straight.

Josh

3-way relationships are fun, but definitely take some extra work.

Nicholas

... he could have also given me HIV.

Gareth

I didn’t just have sex straight away.

Angel

He wanted to always dominate me.

Matt

We were two polar opposites

Sam

we both wanted the freedom

Raymond

He’s very lovable and cuddly

Andrew N

I fell head over heals in love

Scott

i went from student to teacher

Josh

Look, I know what’s going on

Nigel

My male partner's wife is poly as well

Tono

I don’t want to lose him.

Mark

He had an affair with my brother

Adam

as if it's going to last forever

Chris

put up with the hurt

Mike

the one person i could connect with

James D

We understand each other very well

Koky

he taught me all the right ways

Brent

... we share other people in our relationship.

David R-S

one needed to regard your body with respect as a temple and keep yourself pure.

Zen

Homosexuality is a taboo subject and people feel shameful talking about it.

John Pendal

I got kicked out of the church and I lost every friend I had...

Josh

After I came out I distanced myself from the church.

Aaron

My final foster placement was with my aunt and uncle, and he was a Baptist minister.

Darren

.. being gay was something wrong

Michael

I had no religious guilt

Glenn

I’m so going to hell!

Rodney

They were very catholic but accepting

Josh

I was causing myself grief

Gregory

I wanted to become a priest

Tono

I think I’m not a good Muslim

Scott

I consider myself a Christian

Mark

I needed to be true to myself

Adam

I’ll go to church and ask forgiveness

Chris

boys from the Christian group

Anthony

He's got these statues of Jesus

Phillip

family of Jehovah’s Witnesses

Robert

we would all be tempted by men

David

The few times that I had, I wasn’t really that safe at all.

Steven Spencer

I will negotiate safe sex or what I believe to be safe sex.

Buck

not comfortable talking about it

Rithy

... angst after such an experience is horrific.

Darren

I didn’t think it'd happen to me

Scott

Where's the condom and lube?

Francois

I'm responsible for others too

Peter

I always assume they are positive

Tono

Imported condoms are expensive

Tyson

its about universal infection control

Michael

he has to accept safe sex

Michael

never leave home without it!

Andrew

By mid 80s it was everywhere

Adam

They're local so they must be safe!

Glenn

As a sexworker I always did

Chris

first boy I ever kissed died from it

Andrew

in the beginning I was pretty unsafe

Travis

it was a fully conscious decision

Anthony

I didn't know everything

Robert

I've loved condoms all my life

Indi

I find it easy to negotiate

Carl

Safe sex was always using condoms

Koky

It injected a sense of fear in me

Brent

it doesn't matter how off our faces we, or the third party might be, it's just not negotiable - we will not have unprotected sex with HIV negative guys.

Antek

I had really bad skin issues which just exacerbated things.

Nathan

people learn how to shame others for being different

Craig

I struggled with my self-worth for a long time because I never felt particularly worthy

Ben

I always had a weight issue and I even had an eating disorder...

Dirk Caber

I simply am not made for such things as love or sex.

Rick

some days I’m feeling really good and other days I just want to be in the corner

Andrew

... it's the twink capital of the world and no one’s interested in me

Rithy

I've felt threatened by other gay people.

Matt

wax, be thin and gorgeous

Keegan

I was very pale and self conscious

Scott

I’d been a victim

Christopher

I wasn't eating and drinking loads

Adam

it’s important we value ourselves.

Christopher

I felt numb and then I couldn't move

Rithy

Don't use ‘mate’, cause you’re Asian.

Bryan

A lot of queens use the word

Darren V

I hated myself so much that I tried to commit suicide twice because of that internalised stigma.

Zen

Killing yourself will send your soul straight to hell.

Brian E

between the age of nine and 12, I even tried to take my own life.

Rawiri

I attempted suicide three times in that period.

Michael

I attempted suicide by overdosing

Wayne

I attempted to take my own life

Neil

he would suffer for killing me

Scott

he committed suicide a week ago

Adam

I told them in hospital that I was gay

Buck

I feel like a boy

Aaron

... I saw my dad try to kill my mother.

Damien

He’d get violent too sometimes

Simon

He'd erupt into violence and attack me

Leo

they punched me and stole my money